Boy, the times they are a-changin’ aren’t they?
Even Disney, the makers of such theatrical tentpole classics as the O.G. The Lion King and Aladdin are going the way of Netflix, launching their own streaming service, Disney+.
And they’re murdering our childhoods with a knife and leaving them to bleed out on the side of the freeway in the process.
Bob Iger announces reboots/reimaginings for Disney+
• ‘Home Alone’
• ‘Night at the Museum’
• ‘Diary of a Whimpy Kid’
• ‘Cheaper by the Dozen’
— Fandom (@getFANDOM) August 6, 2019
Remaking Home Alone‽
AN OUTRAGE! We must not allow it!
Except we have no power over anything so I guess we must just accept this, like everything in this smoldering hellscape nowadays.
We can take one small comfort though: even Home Alone legend Macaulay Culkin, Kevin Macallister himself, seems to think this is a dumb idea.
This is what an updated Home Alone would actually look like. pic.twitter.com/sGj86933LA
— Macaulay Culkin (@IncredibleCulk) August 7, 2019
Here’s my pitch:
Kevin, now 38, spends his days “home alone” in a food coma on a dirty couch, drinking his way through the collapse of late capitalism because the trauma of being left home alone left Kevin a broken hull of a person and his relationships with his parents and 47 siblings never healed.
Also that one sister still calls him “les incompetents” to this day behind his back.
Now that’s a reboot!
And judging by Twitter, there are plenty of people who’d be onboard for a remake, if it came with present-day Macaulay.
I suddenly find Macaulay Culkin so very relatable https://t.co/cT7d1WIzPY
— Brooke Binkowski (@brooklynmarie) August 7, 2019
I guess I’m following Macaulay Culkin now
— CrypToad Drawz (@cryptodrawz) August 8, 2019
I’m all for a “Home Alone” reboot just as long as everything is exactly the same as the original and 8-year-old Macaulay Culkin is played by 38-year-old Macaulay Culkin.
— Sam Grittner (@SamGrittner) August 7, 2019
unless it’s a 40 year old Macaulay Culkin being chased around a dilapidated townhouse by an elderly Joe Pesci, I have no interest in your reboot
— Asawin Suebsaeng (@swin24) August 7, 2019
And some people had even better pitches.
I'm well up for a Home Alone reboot so long as Macaulay Culkin is one of the robbers
— Colin W (@colinwmd) August 8, 2019
I would buy a ticket to every showing of this particular reboot. I would just move into the theater with a sleeping bag and watch the entire run.
Or how about this one:
I don't want a Home Alone reboot, I want a sequel with Catherine O'Hara and Macaulay Culkin abandoning the rest of the family to go on fabulous vacations
— Ira thee Third (@ira) August 7, 2019
This is basically one of those travel documentaries that used to be on the Travel Channel before they pivoted to everything being about ghost-hunting, and be honest: you didn’t realize how badly you wanted this until someone said it, right?
But if we are going to replace Macaulay, this is a pretty good place to start:
I immediately assumed it would star Desmond is Amazing trying to fend off two MAGA hat wearing republicans trying to send him to a re-education program. pic.twitter.com/x5WG1s6vcc
— i.need.no.name (@ineednoname5) August 7, 2019
A new Home Alone is also an opportunity to right wrongs from the first one…
I’m glad you get to enjoy your food. When I first saw Home Alone, I was sad for Kevin because he made that tasty looking Mac and cheese dinner and didn’t get to take a bite.
— Kevin! (@forensictoxguy) August 7, 2019
So there’s a bright side of things at least.
However, a few people couldn’t help but point out the difficulty in rebooting a movie hinges entirely on there not being any technology to solve the film’s central conflict.
— Felichia Eaton (@FelichiaEaton) August 7, 2019
Home Alone reboot script pic.twitter.com/AJ4sKoW7Ia
— Chris Illuminati (@chrisilluminati) August 7, 2019
So scratch all the pitches. This movie is dead in the water.
Hey Dead in the Water would be a decent name for a much darker reboot, a police procedural about the Wet Bandits who’ve upgraded from burglary to murder.
GET ME A MEETING WITH DISNEY+!