People Reveal Which Movies Would Be A Lot Shorter If The Main Characters Weren’t So Dumb—And We Totally Agree 😂

When I was growing up, movies were our family thing. Specifically, my siblings and I loved really terrible films. We knew we were watching the cinematic equivalent of belly flops but we loved it. We watched as characters made stupid choices and we scoffed at the screen, talking about how we would never be that dumb. Spoiler alert: We have all absolutely been that dumb at least once in our lives. I, for example, once got startled and screamed, covered my face, and dropped to my knees. My fight-or-flight response is the type that would absolutely get me killed first in a film.

Once, when our grandfather had absolutely had it with my brother and me and our stupid movies, we were in the living room watching a Jean-Claude Van Damme movie. We got to the scene where good ol’ JCVD punches a snake and my brother and I belly-laughed and scoffed at what a terrible choice that was. Who punches snakes? And why did the snake deflate afterward? And, at the risk of sounding redundant, who punches snakes?!? 

It’s gloriously bad. Truly. 

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My grandfather, who spoke almost no English, bellowed from the kitchen: 

“BECAUSE THE DIRECTOR TOLD HIM TO! OKAY? THE DIRECTOR SAID TO AND HE DID IT! NOW SHUSH!”

It was at that moment that the siblings and I first realized that some movies depend on a character making dumb choices as a plot device. Half of our favorite films could have been over in just a few frames if one character hadn’t been too stupid or too stubborn to see what was going on around them.

Along those lines, one clever Reddit user asked the following question:

“What movie could have been over in 10 minutes, if the main character wasn’t such a dumb ass?”

You guys, there are a LOT of responses. Here are a few that made us laugh.

Home Alone 2

Kevin did not need to change his batteries for his Talkboy while his family was running to their gate. He had a several-hour plane ride that he could have done it on but instead HAD to change them while running through the terminal. What an idiot…

Even AFTER he lands, he realizes that he made a mistake, and the airline could have immediately fixed it. He chooses to take a lavish New York vacation on his father’s dime. Selfish asshole.

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Amityville Horror.

House: “GET OUT”

People: “alrighty then”

Yeah, there’s no real counterargument here. Ghostly voice tells you to get out, you GTFO.

That being said, people are dumb. I was in downtown Pittsburgh with a co-worker when a police officer yells at us “Get off the street, there’s a sniper!”. I immediately dash into the nearest restaurant, she goes “where!?” and starts looking at the rooftops. (it turned out to be a guy shooting pigeons on the roof.)

Back To The Future 2

Doc: “Hey Marty, your future kid is an idiot. Fortunately you have 30 years to change the outcome, maybe consider moving to a different town, or private school or something.”

Marty: “Ok, thanks”

The end.

The Little Mermaid

If Ariel could read and write (which she demonstrates) then why didn’t she just write the prince a note? To all the people saying she doesn’t speak the same language as Eric. When they meet again he asks her questions and she tries to answer. So that shows that they can understand each other verbally. Also the contract she signs was in English.

Others suggest that pens and paper do not work under water. The contract was magical and underwater. Part of the movie she was on land in town with dry pens and papers around.

To the others that say what would she even write in the note. Here is my version

“Dear Hottie Eric,

DTF, I just lost my voice I swear that it is not contagious or anything lol. If you are DTF too just give me a kiss to let me know and we can get this party started.

-Ariel

P.S. I’m a freak”

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Captain America

Captain America: Civil War.

Why did no one have a photo ID of the actual psychologist assigned to Bucky Barnes? Also – Hey, Secretary Ross, you neglected to mention Harlem in your Avengers Guilt Trip Presentation. You know, the incident where two big rage monsters that you are responsible for fought? You should be in jail for that.

Labyrinth

I’ve babysat my younger siblings tons of times and somehow never wished them away to the Goblin King no matter how frustrated I got. Toby was like 2 at the most, he’d have been asleep in like 30 minutes if she’d just kept her goddamn cool.

Double whammy: the very first T-intersection Sara comes to, she ends up missing the path straight to the goblin city.

Transformers

In the first Transformers movie Megatron is trying to find the cube, and Sam has the glasses with the coordinates. He sends Barricade to go interrogate Sam. “Where are the GLASSES?!?!”

We’ve already established that Transformers can learn earths languages and hack the military computers in seconds. Sam is selling the glasses on ebay. Why didn’t Megatron just buy the glasses?

Iron Man

The first Iron Man. Rather than test the Jericho missile at a secure weapons testing facility in the US, Tony Stark feels the need to go all the way to the Middle East and gets himself captured by terrorists. One thing leads to another, and now a buff raisin has just killed half the universe.

Thanks Tony.

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The Ring

What about in the ring? Why did she leave that tape on the bottom shelf (probably next to the bleach, knives, medicine and her gun) for the kid to find? I wish the kid had died to teach her a lesson on her sh!tty parenting.

Star Trek

The Enterprise carried like a dozen shuttlecraft. If that seems high, let’s call it 6. Still too many? Okay, we know for sure there was at least 1, and so likely 2, of the kind that had transporters. Plus some other support craft. (And when the heck did they get a runabout? Which, apparently, can do everything a starship can, except warp 4–for some reason.)

Each time the ship’s “main power” was out and transporters are “down,” they could have used the transporters in the shuttlecraft. Or what about when the “subspace antenna” is damaged. Don’t those shuttles have, like, antennas too?

Don’t forget those shuttles were capable of warp. Which means, they have a self-contained reactor and energy source. Seems like you have multiple “auxiliary power generators” just sitting around in the shuttle bay collecting space dust. You’d think mid-way through season 2, Geordi would be like “hey, we should run an extension cable up to one of these shuttle bays, just in case we need.” But no, Picard is all like, “Will this make my tea any hotter, Mr. LaForge?”

Also. What the f— is the point of the warp core ejection system? Every time someone wants to use it (on any starship), it is “offline.” How can it have an “off” state if its only use is in an emergency?

Starfleet engineers are the worst engineers in the universe. They can make a replicator out of rocks, but safety systems baffle them.

Jurassic Park

Jurassic Park, if John Hammond had shelled out a bit more money for his IT department.

It’s even more evident in the book. I think Crichton just hated middle management.

State of the art technology and cages, controlled by 1 dude and his self department.

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Honestly, though, we wouldn’t want to change that last one. A shorter movie would have meant we missed out on Jeff Goldblum, and nobody wants that.

H/T: BuzzFeed, Reddit