If you’re approaching your mid-30’s, chances are you’re in a perpetual state of panic regarding retirement and the cobwebs forming in your bank account. Exacerbating the anxiety, MarketWatch published an article on May 12th that suggested by age 35, you should have twice your salary saved. The immediate response to it wasn’t favorable, with people chiming in stating things like: “I think you meant to say, by 35 you should have debt twice your salary,” and “When did my mom start writing articles?”
I think you meant to say,
By 35 you should have debt twice your salary.
— From Russia with Love (@emanzi) May 14, 2018
When did my mom start writing articles https://t.co/s00nY8jTTq
— Erica Henderson (@EricaFails) May 15, 2018
Once the initial outrage over the suggestion initially put forth by Boston-based investment firm, Fidelity Investments, subsided, the internet took a different approach with their disbelief. Rather than continue criticizing the article, people came up with their own versions of what they think someone should have by 35-years-old.
By age 35 you should stop paying attention to condescending life advice from strangers writing think pieces.
— Hipster Viking Amy (@lasrina) May 19, 2018
Many of them are spot on, such as Lori G (@LoriG) and Kiran Jonnalagadda (@jackerhack), who reference household staples that we all know we have.
By age 35 you should have a huge box of cables but you can't throw them out because you're pretty sure you still need a couple of them but you're not sure which ones
— Lori G (@LoriG) May 19, 2018
by age 35 you should have a kitchen cabinet dedicated entirely to plastic bags that contain other, smaller plastic bags
— vytas (@peakysblinder) May 20, 2018
By age 35 you should have a shelf full of books you can't read because they're not ebooks, but can't throw away either because you intend to read them.
— Kiran Jonnalagadda (@jackerhack) May 20, 2018
Some responses are pretty spot on when it comes to the current generation.
By age 35 you should be able to re-watch Bridget Jones and think 'You're only 30 and you manage to afford to live alone?'
— Emma Reynolds (@EmmaIllustrate) May 20, 2018
By age 35 you should have a junk drawer filled with USB flash drives you’re reluctant to throw out because you don’t know what’s on them but are reluctant to plug in because… you don’t know what’s on them
— aloria (@aloria) May 20, 2018
By age 35 you should have approximately 10 times the existential dread you had when you graduated high school.
— Greg Hillis (@gregorykhillis) May 20, 2018
By age 35 you should run into friends and say “WE SHOULD HANG OUT SOON!” twice a week. You will never hang out. You'll just scream this at each other until one of you dies.
— Luke Trayser (@trukelayser) May 20, 2018
By age 35 you should have like 2 real friends both of whom live in other states and around 700 online friends with whom your relationship is so tenuous that a simple opinion about a comic book movie could end it instantly.
— MR'A Stoudemire (@Bahbuto) May 21, 2018
By age 35 you will have spent so many years in therapy that your response to being blamed for your own poverty by the generation who engineered it, is to make surrealist memes on the Internet.
— Katherine Crocker (@cricketcrocker) May 20, 2018
While others are just plain old silly, albeit pretty clever.
By age 35, you should have melted at least half of your rings of power in the incomparable heat of Mt. Doom, leading Tolkien experts say.
— (@JoshuaGrubbsPhD) May 16, 2018
By age 35, you should have destroyed two death stars and redeemed the most feared villian in the Galaxy.
— Tom McFarlin (@tommcfarlin) May 20, 2018
It’s quite clear that a very small percentage of people are taking this article seriously. Political scientist Paul Fairie chimes in, claiming “millenials should have 40,000 avocado toasts set aside for retirement.”
By age 35, millennials should have 40,000 avocado toasts set aside for retirement.
— Paul Fairie (@paulisci) May 15, 2018
Twitter user Adrian Vermeule (@avermeule) takes the opportunity to give a brief history lesson.
By age 35, you should be three years in your grave after conquering Greece, Egypt, Asia Minor, the Persian empire, and India.
— Adrian Vermeule (@avermeule) May 21, 2018
Then we have fantasy author Sam Sykes, who steps in and offers maybe the most acceptable response. One that we can all easily relate to.
By age 35, you should have at least 10 framed pictures of Jeff Goldblum in your home.
— Sam Sykes (@SamSykesSwears) May 20, 2018
If this article gives you anxiety and these alternate tweets about what you should actually have by 35 aren’t helping quell it, consider one final response from Jeaniene Frost (@Jeaniene_Frost). Hopefully, it will put into perspective the reality of who Fidelity Investments was really speaking to.
I can't be only one who reads this & thinks “Who are they TALKING to?” I didn't have that much saved in my 30s. No one I knew had that much saved their 30s & most of us were solid middle class. Is this advice only for the rich? If so, maybe start w/”95% of Americans can ignore.” https://t.co/HlTQM5sYGx
— Jeaniene Frost (@Jeaniene_Frost) May 15, 2018