Breaking up is hard to do.
But nobody has quite so eloquently put the painstaking process of separation into words like 25 year old Taylor Myers, a poet from Ohio, who covered the difficult topic simply and beautifully with her words.
“A lot of people ask me what my biggest fear is, or what scares me most.
And I know they expect an answer like heights, or closed spaces, or people dressed like animals, but how do I tell them that when I was 17 I took a class called Relationships For Life and I learned that most people fall out of love for the same reasons they fell in it.
That their lover’s once endearing stubbornness has now become refusal to compromise and their one track mind is now immaturity and their bad habits that you once adored is now money down the drain.
Their spontaneity becomes reckless and irresponsible and their feet up on your dash is no longer sexy, just another distraction in your busy life.
Nothing saddens and scares me like the thought that I can become ugly to someone who once thought all the stars were in my eyes.”
Ooh, ouch, ouch ouch ouch.
On the bright side of how much this hurts, it woke Tumblr up to the ways they may need to look past the small stuff in their relationship clouding their vision.
But….this isn’t the end of the message.
Myers addressed the poem some years later, reflecting on her mental/emotional state of mind when she wrote it, and filling in a huge blank that came from the class she spoke about in her initial work:
“I never expected this to be my most popular poem out of the hundreds I’ve written. I was extremely bitter and sad when I wrote this and I left out the most beautiful part of that class.
After my teacher introduced us to this theory, she asked us, “is love a feeling? Or is it a choice?” We were all a bunch of teenagers. Naturally we said it was a feeling. She said that if we clung to that belief, we’d never have a lasting relationship of any sort.
She made us interview a dozen adults who were or had been married and we asked them about their marriages and why it lasted or why it failed. At the end, I asked every single person if love was an emotion or a choice.
Everybody said that it was a choice. It was a conscious commitment. It was something you choose to make work every day with a person who has chosen the same thing. They all said that at one point in their marriage, the “feeling of love” had vanished or faded and they weren’t happy. They said feelings are always changing and you cannot build something that will last on such a shaky foundation.
The married ones said that when things were bad, they chose to open the communication, chose to identify what broke and how to fix it, and chose to recreate something worth falling in love with.
The divorced ones said they chose to walk away.
Ever since that class, since that project, I never looked at relationships the same way. I understood why arranged marriages were successful. I discovered the difference in feelings and commitments. I’ve never gone for the person who makes my heart flutter or my head spin. I’ve chosen the people who were committed to choosing me, dedicated to finding something to adore even on the ugliest days.
I no longer fear the day someone who swore I was their universe can no longer see the stars in my eyes as long as they still choose to look until they find them again.”
And therein lies a very valuable lesson about what it means to love.
There is a song called “Fable,” from the Broadway musical ‘The Light In The Piazza,’ that breaks down the word “love” as a noun versus the word “love” as a verb.
The subject of the song is that “you can look….for a fable of love to carry you” or you can “look…that someone sees, that someone knows you….love if you can, and be loved.” The concept, love as a “feeling”, is a fable, but love as a “choice” is a very real thing.
And hopefully the teacher of this class agrees with that message.
Sure, “love”, a fleeting feeling, is a fable, but loving is a choice and an actionable skill. Love, if you can, and be loved.