Dating in 2018 is hard. We get it. Sometimes it feels like you’re wading through a sea of unwanted pics and unsolicited advice only to find yourself stuck with a question mark. Ambiguous relationships are on the rise and tons of us have found ourselves sitting around asking things like “what are we doing?” “Can I say this/be hurt by this if we aren’t really a thing?” “Is this what we want?” “Is he even my man?”
If dating in 2018 had an official GIF:
Wondering if someone is actually in a relationship with you is pretty terrible — but Twitter is totally here for you. A meme to help us work our way through some signs rose to popularity pretty quickly. The format was simple. It was just a list of things he might do that let you know where you stood with him. A typical meme might read something like this:
Ladies, if he:
- Never texts back
- Only comes over late at night
- Won’t go out in public with you
He’s not your man, he’s your booty call.
Seems simple enough, right? Psh, yeah okay — Twitter never lets anything be “simple enough.” You know better. That simple little meme was picked up by all of the beautiful, brilliant, sarcastic citizens of the internet and turned into something different — something better. Sure, having a man is exciting. Sure, the realization that you’re invested in someone who isn’t invested in you can be kind of soul-crushing. Sure, you may be finding yourself creeping ever so slowly towards permanent single status — and excited about it ’cause it means you get to do whatever you want for FOREVER and never have to deal with man colds.
But look at all the hilarious memes we get out of this!
Ladies, if he:
– is on a boat
– has an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love
– has tickets that are now diamonds
– is on a horseHe's not your man. He's the man your man could smell like. pic.twitter.com/f0jFSm59no
— I Have Never Been Horny In My Life (@jdl_werewolf) November 25, 2018
Ladies if he:
– is fatigued
– has a loss of appetite
– shortness of breath
– coughs a lot
– has night sweats
-has had prolonged exposure to asbestosHe has mesothelioma and may be entitled to financial compensation
— kev (@notkevrob) November 25, 2018
Ladies if he:
-starts eating your food when you leave the room
-can lift 10 times his weight
-calls another woman his queen
-lives in a hill
-has a hard, waterproof exoskeleton made of chitinHe's not your man.
He's an ant.— Ants Stole My Christmas (@zotpatrol) November 24, 2018
Ladies, if he:
-keeps your relationship a secret
-likes other girls selfies on insta
-refuses to shave
-wants the working class to control the means of production
-published “The Communist Manifesto” and “Das Kapital”He’s not your man. He’s 19th century philosopher Karl Marx pic.twitter.com/U9OtT9i6at
— Karl Grossman (@KarlGrossman1) November 23, 2018
ladies, if he:
– never texts you back
– always interjects with unsolicited advice
– reads your personal documents
– constantly tries to help you format paragraphs
– is a sentient paper cliphe’s not your man. he’s clippy the microsoft word office assistant
— #1 Rachel (@rachel) November 24, 2018
Ladies, if he:
– Is slick as Gaston
– Is quick as Gaston
– Has a neck that's incredibly thick as Gaston
– Shoots like Gaston
– Makes those beauts like Gaston
– Goes tromping around wearing boots like Gaston
– Uses antlers in all of his decoratingHe's not your man. He's Gaston.
— Faith Moore (@FaithKMoore) November 25, 2018
Ladies, if he:
– never takes you seriously, even when it’s important
– doesn’t respect your mom or her home.
– refuses to take any of your suggestions
– distastefully wears only a hat & bow tie
– is a 6 foot tall talking catHe's not your man. He's the cat in the Hat.
— Chad Mallard (@chad_mallard) November 24, 2018
Ladies if he
-rode into the battle for Minas Tirith with Merry the hobbit
-has an unrequited love for Aragorn
-stabbed the Witch-King of Angmar in the faceThat is no man
— Erin Daly 🍂🇻🇦 (@erind90) November 25, 2018
Ladies, if he:
— doesn’t respond to your texts
— doesn’t comment on your pics
— is the loving mother of 3 kids
— won an Oscar in 2001
— was named People magazine’s “most beautiful woman” (5 times!!!)
He’s not your man. He’s legendary Hollywood star, Julia Roberts. pic.twitter.com/xIQGQCh2NS
— Katya (@katya_zamo) November 26, 2018
Ladies, if He:
– ignores your text messages
– ignores your tweets
– ignores your prayers
– gives your dad cancer
– created HitlerHe's not your man. He's God.
Run, bitch.
— Jesus Christ (@SonOfGodAndMan) November 24, 2018
Ladies if he
– doesn’t follow you on social media
– won’t admit when he’s drunk
– makes you feel warm inside
– helps you when you’re sick
– doesn’t mind your slurping
– always down to spoonHe’s not your man. He’s soup.
— clean slate (@PleaseBeGneiss) November 25, 2018
Ladies, if he:
– leaves you on read
– doesn't watch your Insta stories
– weighs up to 1,000 pounds at his fighting weight
– spends all summer eating thousands of salmon from the Brooks RiverHe's not your man. He's 480 Otis, three-time Fat Bear Week champ pic.twitter.com/BmzBDXjJRM
— Liz Belsky (@lizbelsky) November 24, 2018
Then conservative personality and Fox host Ben Shapiro got a hold of the meme. It’s rare that we cover the birth and death of a trend in one article, but hey this has been a banner year all around, so here we go. Ben has been known for his anti-trans rants, and just couldn’t let this opportunity go by. He took a playful meme and turned it into a “Ben Defines Men” moment.
It was weird — like when your racist uncle starts saying things like “lit, fam” and “woke.”
Ladies, if he:
– Doesn't have a penis
– Doesn't have a Y chromosome
– Doesn't have a functioning SRY gene
– Doesn't have a biological intersex disorderHe's not your man. He's not a he.
— Ben Shapiro (@benshapiro) November 26, 2018
And yeah, his followers absolutely told him it was awkward.
Does any one else think that @benshapiro's obsession with trans is because he is effeminate and insecure with his own perception of masculinity?
— Luke (@sassky) November 26, 2018
Why are you so obsessed with guys’ dicks? It’s creepy man.
— Christopher Wylie 🏳️🌈 (@chrisinsilico) November 26, 2018
You are soooo into this stuff. Kinda odd 🤔
— pavlovian responder (@maganificient1) November 26, 2018
But one person brought the whole thing around full circle in a beautiful way.
Ladies, if he:
-Is obsessed with transgender people minding their own business
-Sits by his fireplace in his Vermont cabin screaming a high-pitched “debate me” into itHe’s not your man, he’s Ben Shapiro
— alexandra (@alexandrbixler) November 26, 2018
