Have you ever thought about the way you would be portrayed if you were starring in a movie?
Rory Turnbull, an assistant professor of linguistics at the University of Hawaii at Manoa, went viral after explaining that his job would probably be a lot more dramatic if it was shown on film.
“Hello, I’m a professor in a movie, I only reach the main point of my lecture right as class is ending. Then I yell at students about the reading/homework as they leave.”
His tweet reached over 20,000 retweets, and people of all different professions joined in and added the movie trope version of their own line of work.
Here are 15 of the best examples, that you might want to try out in your own office soon.
1. Secretaries in movies love yelling “You can’t go in there!”
Hi, I’m a businessman in a movie. I hired a secretary and gave her exactly one job: to yell “You can’t go in there!” at men who ignore her and charge into my office anyway and it’s always fine really.
— Erica Buist (@ericabuist) January 3, 2019
2. Real-life writers aren’t all like Carrie Bradshaw.
Hello, I’m a writer in a movie. I write one piece a week and live in a two bedroom New York apartment with a walk-in wardrobe. Also I never actually pitch anywhere, the jobs just come to me. https://t.co/YyuPjYgEyP
— Kayleigh Donaldson (@Ceilidhann) January 3, 2019
Hello, I’m a writer in a movie. I bring a print-out of my long-ass novel to my editor’s office & wait while my editor reads the whole thing right in front of me, loves it, & offers me an advance, which I accept. Apparently, my editor pushed my agent out a window right before this
— Jeff VanderMeer (@jeffvandermeer) January 3, 2019
3. Security guards get a bad deal.
Hello, I’m a security guard in a movie. Even good guys can kill me with none of difficulty, remorse, nor criminal charges
— Malcolm McCallum (@MalcolmMcCX) January 3, 2019
4. Drivers in movies are not the best…
Hi. I’m a person driving a car in a movie. I move the steering wheel left and right, left and right, repeatedly while having a conversation with my passenger. I also take my eyes off the road for ten to twelve seconds at a time in order to look at said passenger.
— Shaun O’Banion (@shaun_obanion) January 3, 2019
5. All lawyers really need is a stroke of genius.
Hello, I’m a lawyer in a movie. Every case is a lengthy jury trial where I’m totally outmatched & losing the entire time. Then, at the final possible moment I have a stroke of genius that no one ever thought of & win the case hands down. https://t.co/JjvS7Aa42O
— Qasim Rashid, Esq. (@MuslimIQ) January 3, 2019
Hello, I’m also a lawyer in a movie. I have ONE CLIENT. I’m friends with a psychiatrist in a movie, who has ONE PATIENT. https://t.co/X4ENhhjP9V
— Patton Oswalt (@pattonoswalt) January 4, 2019
6. “Just beers, literally any beers”.
Hello, I’m a bar patron in a movie, I can walk into any bar for the first time and say “Two beers please” and the bartender will hand me two beers with no discussion of type, brand, or receptacle, https://t.co/Op33EDnvaO
— T.J. Chambers (@tjchambersLA) January 3, 2019
7. This poor detective just wanted a quiet last day.
Hi. I’m a Detective in a movie. It’s my last day in the job. I’m pretty sure it’s going to be a very quiet last shift with a cake and a few drinks. I’ll just take this withheld number call first.
— Dan Thomas (@dan_thom) January 3, 2019
8. Hackers in films are unrealistically quick.
Hello I’m a hacker in a movie and I can crash through firewalls and IPSes in seconds without performing any recon whatsoever. https://t.co/icLHC57UVd
— 💕Excelsior 💕 (@ScyneWaive) January 3, 2019
9. Programmers don’t fare much better.
Hello, I’m an programmer in a movie. I’m white, male, and conspicuously nerdy, and everything I code works on the first try. I’m the Best Coder because I’m a fast typist, and I type extra fast in programming emergencies. I never Google error messages. There are no error messages. https://t.co/uQiKv18zkc
— Ana Mardoll (@AnaMardoll) January 3, 2019
10. Breakfast scenes like this are unfortunately common.
I am a suburban/urban housewife in a movie about my kids. Every morning I make a full four course breakfast, and every morning each member of my family eats a bite of toast, bolts down two gulps of orange juice, and rushes out the door. do I just throw the rest away? nobody knows https://t.co/8cIwPsFGcI
— new year, same shrill (@theshrillest) January 3, 2019
11. This movie trope isn’t accurate for most journalists any more…
Brilliant thread this. Hello, I’m an old-times newspaper editor in a movie. I snarl WHAT YOU GOT FOR ME? at a terrified new reporter, read it faster than a real human could, crumple it into a ball and pour a drink. But later it turns out the young reporter was onto something. https://t.co/vMciLGLrPA
— Mark Watson (@watsoncomedian) January 3, 2019
Hello, I’m a doctor in a movie. I use defib on a flatlined patient instead of adrenaline, despite knowing that a flatline is the goal of defibrillation. I also do CPR compressions wrong. I use my position of authority to pressure an underling into a romantic relationship. https://t.co/5dPwFiZifJ
— Be More Kind (@ChrisMartinPr) January 3, 2019
13. The religious professions get no love either.
Hello, I’m a rabbi in a movie. I wear my tefillin wrong and don’t really know how to pronounce the Hebrew of liturgical phrases that get said 3 times a day, every day. I say things from the pulpit that would be grounds for firing most places and maybe one congregant responds. https://t.co/KMVf5lkm2N
— Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg (@TheRaDR) January 3, 2019
14. No, researchers cannot make you a pet dinosaur.
Hello, I’m a researcher in a movie. We only work on creating murder-dinos. We definitely never scream “where the fuck is that number coming from?” Without consulting spreadsheets or research we have all the answers to anything in history/science but never in matters of the heart https://t.co/1Ej2g1d7LI
— PrairiePhlox (@PrairiePhlox) January 3, 2019
15. And women in movies…
Hello, I’m a woman over 35 in a movie. I play a teenager’s mom but am considered too old to be the male lead’s love interest, despite him being more than ten years my senior.
— The Volatile Mermaid (@OhNoSheTwitnt) January 3, 2019
Hello, I’m a nameless background Arab female in a movie. I am either trying to sell beads to the main character walking through a colorful bazaar, or walking hurriedly into my home as my father shouts ‘you have shamed the family!’ for walking with a boy home from school. https://t.co/BFfHgUacCh
— hend amry (@LibyaLiberty) January 3, 2019
Hello, I’m a Muslim woman in a movie. I’m there silently, joyless & long suffering, dressed in an ethnic grabbag of various Muslim clothing, to weep and gnash my teeth as my Muslim husband or son is accused of terrorism. I have kohl rimmed eyes but lack lip gloss and a career. https://t.co/lSsnAtOPFF
— rabia O’chaudry (@rabiasquared) January 4, 2019
Hello, I’m a bisexual woman in a movie. I’m evil, sexy, slutty, and hit on everything that moves. I prey on vulnerable young women, seduce upstanding guys with my wiles, and cheat on all my partners. You’ll know I’m bi bc I’ll mention or show it roughly every 2 second. https://t.co/7gN6efxPgm
— Faerunner (@ElfFromDenerim) January 3, 2019
Hello, I am a 50 year old woman with no children in a movie. I am not in the movie, or if I am no-one will see me.
— LizzyF101 (@lizzyf101) January 3, 2019
Hello. I’m a Black Woman in a movie. I don’t have a life outside of being the white main character’s support system. I’m always ready with an ‘urban’ quote of wisdom and my pain can’t interfere with the plot. https://t.co/3e8qOeT7P7
— The Block Panther (@DeleMage) January 3, 2019
Hello, I’m an Asian woman in a movie and I’m Scarlett Johansson. https://t.co/bHeTKvEklB
— Jen Sookfong Lee (@JenSookfongLee) January 3, 2019