Someone Found Some Old Ken Dolls On eBay That Are Far More Appalling Than We Remember

Ah, childhood. So many happy, carefree memories. Whiling away the hours. discovering the world right at your fingertips!

And, of course, creating whole new worlds using our favorite toys. And when it comes to iconic playthings, it’s pretty hard to beat Barbie and Ken, right?

After all, they were a part of everyone’s childhood in one way or another—even the straightest boys among us used a Ken doll pilfered from a little sister to— *checks notes* —okay, nevermind I have no idea what straight boys do, I was just trying to be inclusive.

But the point is, we remember these innocent playthings fondly, right? And when it comes to Ken, he was for many of us our first idea of an “ideal man,” for better or worse.

Which is why it 100% makes sense that, as television writer Ariel Dumas recently discovered, it turns out he was actually a Satanic douchebag sent from the underworld to sexually harass you while eating your soul:

How’s that for a childhood memory, dummies? Everything you cherish is a lie and even toy straight men are the stuff of nightmares.

That’s the thing with childhood—you remember everything bigger, grander, more wonderful than it really was. The truth is, it was all deeply, profoundly terrible.

I mean look at upper-right corner up there. Eew. Why are your eyes like that? Why this hair? Sir— SIR: stop looking at me.

Anyway, after Dumas shattered the legend, internet-folk couldn’t help but see the reality and ruin your childhood even more:

Though, if you think about it, this story is just one more instance of denialist make-believe:

If only we could turn our worst men into inanimate objects! Can science focus on that instead of developing ever more terrifying AI robot overlords? It’s time we got practical.

And if you want to rebuild that Ken collection and wardrobe for that Satanic altar, here’s a good place to start.