Ah, childhood. So many happy, carefree memories. Whiling away the hours. discovering the world right at your fingertips!
And, of course, creating whole new worlds using our favorite toys. And when it comes to iconic playthings, it’s pretty hard to beat Barbie and Ken, right?
After all, they were a part of everyone’s childhood in one way or another—even the straightest boys among us used a Ken doll pilfered from a little sister to— *checks notes* —okay, nevermind I have no idea what straight boys do, I was just trying to be inclusive.
But the point is, we remember these innocent playthings fondly, right? And when it comes to Ken, he was for many of us our first idea of an “ideal man,” for better or worse.
Which is why it 100% makes sense that, as television writer Ariel Dumas recently discovered, it turns out he was actually a Satanic douchebag sent from the underworld to sexually harass you while eating your soul:
I was looking up old Barbies on eBay, and all the Kens look like shitty Tinder dudes who got turned into dolls by a witch. pic.twitter.com/GXOXHtGkrI
— Ariel Dumas (@ArielDumas) March 6, 2019
How’s that for a childhood memory, dummies? Everything you cherish is a lie and even toy straight men are the stuff of nightmares.
That’s the thing with childhood—you remember everything bigger, grander, more wonderful than it really was. The truth is, it was all deeply, profoundly terrible.
I mean look at upper-right corner up there. Eew. Why are your eyes like that? Why this hair? Sir— SIR: stop looking at me.
Anyway, after Dumas shattered the legend, internet-folk couldn’t help but see the reality and ruin your childhood even more:
Ken Manuel Miranda down there in the corner.
— Schooley (@Rschooley) March 6, 2019
why is that one pervert doll raising one eyebrow at me
— danielle tcholakian (@danielleiat) March 7, 2019
Please write this episode of Black Mirror.
— David Slack (@slack2thefuture) March 7, 2019
Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve identified the I-70 serial killer. pic.twitter.com/3KG4WSdjM5
— only here for the book deal (@tomjmac) March 7, 2019
The last pic looks like the tool who was talking about the "perfect woman"
— dadtrick (@PatsATweetin) March 7, 2019
Bottom right spends way too much time talking about how he found enlightenment at Burning Man while still being shitty to people who work in service industries. Namely, by speaking over staff and typing angrily on the phone while at a counter.
— 𝕃𝕖𝕒𝕙 (@Ledashah) March 6, 2019
They all look like they say some variation of honey or sweetie while berating the store worker or barista at starbucks
— Erika (@Chaplinchick93) March 7, 2019
definitely gonna have nightmares 🙂
— nadirah (@hinadirah) March 6, 2019
Though, if you think about it, this story is just one more instance of denialist make-believe:
Anyone got a number for one of these witches? I've got a couple of dudes I know who'd make lovely dolls.
— ThisBitch ❤s 🎂 (@myloveisdrunk) March 6, 2019
If only we could turn our worst men into inanimate objects! Can science focus on that instead of developing ever more terrifying AI robot overlords? It’s time we got practical.
And if you want to rebuild that Ken collection and wardrobe for that Satanic altar, here’s a good place to start.